Just a Note to Say

Dear Cat,

Just a note to say “thanks” for waking me in the wee hours of the night with yet another staggering display of caterwauling, crab walking and high-speed stairway racing. I understand that your mind is not burdened with concern for activities not directly related to your well-being (including the 7 a.m. conference call I missed this morning because you destroyed the alarm clock). However, I’d appreciate it if you would make an effort to refrain from behaving like a deranged hyena or demon-possessed howler monkey during the hours I am required to spend in bed. Unlike you, I do not have the opportunity to lounge about the house all day, basking in sunbeams and relaxing in warm laundry. I need eight hours of rest if I am to go to the office and earn the wages that bring you the copious quantities of catnip, “crunchies” and “gushy food” you seem to require.

The Human

Dear Human,

Thank you for the note of “thanks.” If you think cats do not recognize sarcasm, you are sorely mistaken. While I fully support your quest for “beauty sleep,” I feel that your insistence on obtaining said sleep during my active hours is rude and inconvenient. As a feline, I require much more sleep than do you. In fact, I manage to fit as many as sixteen grueling hours of sleep into my overburdened schedule each day. I accomplish this feat by prioritizing my responsibilities. Because I am a magnanimous creature and understand yours is a species of lower intelligence, I will instruct you how to prioritize your day. Your priorities should be as follows: feed me, scoop my litter box, play with me, love me up (if I feel like it), give me some treats, feed yourself, earn some money, and then sleep.

Hope the insight is helpful,
The Cat

P.S. The “play with me” part is the key to calming my 3 a.m. “freak-outs” as you call them. Thirty minutes (or maybe an hour) of non-stop pouncing, leaping and twirling, courtesy of my favorite toy, Da Bird, will have me sleeping like a furry baby. If you’re lucky, I may even let YOU share the pillow.

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